Handcart Moment

When the Mormon Pioneers were crossing the plains, there were some companies that left late in the infamous exodus. These companies had to push and pull handcarts because resources were limited by that time and they did not have access to wagons and oxen like the previous companies. Several of these pioneers, if not all of them, came to a point in their journey where they couldn't take another step. They were physically spent and could not push or pull anymore even though their journey was not complete. Some of these pioneers recorded experiences in their journals where their handcart started pushing them, and they received strength from some Heavenly source to continue pressing forward. I call those experiences "handcart moments."

We all have handcart moments in our lives when we've been strengthened with strength beyond our own. Throughout this past week of great physical trial I have had several of those moments. I have been reflecting on those mighty blessings, those handcart moments, in gratitude. I would like to share one of those moments with you, but before I do, a little back story is pertinent.

Since my pregnancy with Rae, who is now 5, I have had problems with my kidneys. They backup from time to time creating a condition called hydronephrosis. It causes fluid retention in the kidneys which makes them painful and swollen. I also will have a sudden weight gain of 5-10 lbs of general water retention in my body, fatigue and headaches from the changing water balance. The doctor's have had several different theories as to why the retention and hydro occurs, but the underlying reason is still unknown. I've even had an unconventional reconstructive surgery on my kidney and ureter that was risky, but promised relief from my symptoms. It was unsuccessful and quite traumatic. Also, unrelated to the hydro, I produce very large, impassible stones, which have had to be removed by surgery. All in all, my kidneys have been a source of much pain and trial in my life over the past 5 years.

Fortunately, I have had relief from time to time, but the symptoms always seem to reoccur at the most inopportune times. This past week has been one of those times. As most of you know, I have just began feeling better after my hysterectomy until my health took a turn for the worse. I started feeling off about 9 days ago from the time of writing this. I gained 8 pounds of water weight overnight. My kidneys became swollen and painful and I came down with a fever which I still have. I thought maybe the pain and retention I've been having was from another impassible stone, but sadly, it wasn't. My CT scan showed the fluid backup, but strangely there was nothing blocking the ureter. Because of this, there is nothing the doctor's can do for me. Also, in explanation of the fever, I came down with the flu, which poor Lily also got. We've both been fighting fevers, cough and congestion as I write this.

This has been a great time of reflection for me. I have seen the Lord's hand in my life as a real force. Which brings me to my handcart moment I wanted to share. My son, Kyler was scheduled to have his special spotlight day at school where I would go and spotlight him and tell his class all about him. The night before I was so ill that I didn't think I could make it, so we made backup plans for Tim to go instead.

The next day was no better. I still had a fever and could barely get out of bed, I was so exhausted I felt like my body was made out of lead and I had a migraine. I decided to take a nap, hoping that when I woke up I would be well enough to go. I set my alarm for 30 minutes before the presentation. When I woke up, I didn't feel any better. I checked my phone and I had a text from Tim saying that he would not be able to make it on time to do the presentation. I was crushed. I could not let Kyler down. I had no other choice but to get on my knees and plead with Heavenly Father to give me the strength to go. As tears flowed, I poured my heart out to God.

I got up and began to dress and get the girls ready to go. I slowly began to feel energy beyond my own. I felt Heavenly help as my symptoms began to fade and my spirits were lifted. We made it just in time for the spotlight. My hopeless countenance was replaced with a quiet peace and happiness that the Lord was with me. Kyler had a wonderful spotlight. He was beaming and smiling from ear to ear. I am sure he had no idea how hard it was for me to be there, but I am grateful that he doesn't have to know.

It may seem like such a small thing, in such a small moment of my life, but I knew at that moment I had Heavenly help pushing my handcart, as I have had on so many other occasions as well. I am grateful that even though sometimes Heavenly Father cannot remove a trial from our lives, He strengthens us and blesses us through that trial. Sometimes the push comes from a from a loved one or a complete stranger. Sometimes it comes from unseen powers. Most often it comes when we think we cannot possibly take another step. No matter how that help comes, you can be sure that as you seek the Lord, He stands ready to bless you. I know that someday soon I will reach the end of this trial and be lead to the green pastures of the valley. And until then, and as different challenges await me in the future, I will be grateful for the strength that comes beyond my own and for the angels that help to push my handcart.

Bookshelf Styling

One of my favorite things to decorate is bookshelves! Yesterdays post about old books goes hand in hand with today's. Last weekend we went to Ikea and picked up another bookshelf, this one in white to store all the books I've been collecting that have been sitting in stacks around the house. I started off with these photos for inspiration:

Source: alifesdesign.blogspot.com via Jenae on Pinterest

Source: designsponge.com via Jenae on Pinterest

Source: madebygirl.blogspot.com via Jenae on Pinterest

Source: housebeautiful.com via Jenae on Pinterest

And here is what I ended up with:

Old Books

Picture taken by me

I love books; old books, new books, I love them all. I think a house is not complete without stacks and stacks of books. They communicate who you are, what you are interested in and what you aspire to be. As long as I can remember I've had a library card and my mother has read to me from infancy. It really was my mother that cultivated my love for reading. She still is a voracious reader and reads more books in a month than I could read in a year. Some of my fondest memories as a child were of my mother reading to me and telling me stories. I regret, that I have not been as good in that regard with my own children, but it's something I want to improve.

One of my strange hobbies is to collect old books. I don't read them (some of them I have already read, like the classics) but for the most part, I don't want to ruin them in their fragile condition. I know it's rather shallow of me to buy books just to collect. But I also have a large collection of new books that I've read and purchased, but for some reason, they're not as fun to have on display. Not only that, but maybe someday these old books will be worth something and my kids can sell them to pay for their college. :)

In my search, I like to find the classics, but I also have a twisted sense of humor and I love buying books with meaningful or funny titles. For example, for my nightstand I have a book entitled "Bedside Humor." I also like to collect old church books. I get them at the thrift store for only a couple of dollars each, and every time I go there, I pick up a couple new ones. Today at the thrift store I scored a second edition Hemingway "For Whom the Bell Tolls" and Dicken's "Great Expectations."

Picture taken by me

I hope to have a large library someday, and not just filled with display books, but books I love and have read and want to pass on to my children. One of the things I think about is what I want to pass on to my children (both possessions and personal qualities/interests/values, etc.) after I die. And one of the things I hope for is that they love books because they love learning and discovering as much as I do.

Motherhood Hindsight

As I've shared in the past, being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) was never a lifelong dream of mine. I always wanted to have children, but I didn't think the domestic life was for me. I disliked babysitting and definitely didn't like housework (what kid does?) I wanted to finish college and go on to be a lawyer, or own and manage an art gallery (strange dream, I know) or become a published author. Thank goodness God had a better plan for me. People can change, and God changed me that's for sure. He gave me a "mother heart," and I will be forever indebted to the Lord for guiding me towards this life I was meant to live.

Growing up spending most of my days in daycare, I didn't learn domestic skills, nor did I have any desire to do so. So, as you can imagine, making the transition to life without kids to being a SAHM was tumultuous for me. And I can say, after nearly 10 years at it, I've learned  a lot and still have a lot to learn. In fact, I am constantly reading books by other women who have been at this for even longer than I have. I realize that most women come into the job of motherhood knowing what it has taken me 10 years to learn, but if anything here can be of use to anyone, then I will have felt satisfied.

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First, let's just get the obvious out of the way. Motherhood is harder than it looks. Nuff' said.

Another rather sobering revelation I've had since becoming a mother has been that no matter what you say prior to having kids that your kids will never do or what you will never do (i.e. "my kids will never behave like that in public...", "my kids will never have disastrous rooms", "my kids will never leave the house with messy hair", "I will never be 15 minutes late for my appointments", "I will never yell at my kids") it will happen! It's almost like God's way of teaching you humility and compassion. I never roll my eyes at the child throwing a fit in the grocery store anymore because I am just thankful that it isn't one of my kids! Instead I try to reach out to the poor mom and tell her she's doing a great job and to hang in there.

I've also been blessed with the realization that no matter how much we want to take credit for our kids' behavior, we can't. At the end of the day, they make their own decisions and they are who they are. While in many cases you can take credit for helping or hindering their progress, your children are in charge of who they become as adults. Not only that, but God is really in charge much more than we as parents are (and thank goodness too!)

This realization came to me when one of my children wasn't performing well in school, while another one was excelling. We used the same parenting, the same diligence, the same dedication towards both children, but still, there was a disparity between the two. I stopped taking my child's failures so personally. At the same time, I learned I couldn't boast, or take any credit for my other child's success in school. It's like that with all other aspects of their performance as well. You can save yourself a lot of unnecessary guilt and on the other side of the coin, an excess of pride regarding your parenting. Celebrate the success and give credit where it belongs, to God and to them.

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As a new mom I struggled with finding a purpose. I had dropped out of college. I spent all my days and nights tending to a fussy baby who nursed constantly. I remember watching some type of Birthing story show on TLC everyday and crying my eyes out at the end of every episode. I had postpartum depression. My body had changed, and I felt unattractive. I wasn't adjusting well to my new life. We had a small apartment that only took minutes a day to clean, and aside from holding my newborn all day, there wasn't much for me to do. I had no adult interaction, no intellectual stimulation and I felt unimportant and insignificant. 

At one point, while talking to a friend about my feelings I asked her "is it bad that I don't feel like motherhood is enough for me? I mean, is it bad to think that I don't want to just be a mom?" She felt the same way as I did. I prayed many nights to know my purpose and to feel satisfaction and completion from being "just a mom." Thankfully, the Lord heard my prayers and gave me the assurance that I so desperately needed. 

Being a mom is a divine calling. It's the greatest job, the highest calling, the most important thing I will do on this earth. And I'm not just saying that. I believe it with every fiber of my being. I have received a very sure witness that motherhood is divine and as close to godliness as any other role.  Even if the tasks seem mundane, the job thankless and the work never-ending, it is God's work. You are His hands. If you don't already feel this in your heart, pray for the same assurance and peace and it will come. I promise you that.

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This one goes back to my revelation about pre-parenthood assumptions. Before I was a SAHM, I thought that all they did was watch tv, talk on the phone, and prepare the occasional meal. Boy was I wrong, and again served a slice of humble pie. Being a SAHM is a full-time job. Not only is it full-time, it's over-time, it's all-the-time. There are no time cards to punch and clock-out. If your child needs you at 3am, you need to be ready. You're on call 24 hours a day.

Let me also say, motherhood is rewarding. It's not all hard work, cleaning up throw-up, changing dirty diapers, scrubbing toilets and doing dishes. There are moments of bliss. There are moments of joy. If you are looking for the good, you will most surely find it. You will find it in cuddles with your children, in the simple accomplishments of a toddler, in the smell of a newborn. Bliss is all around you as a stay-at-home mom, but blink, and you might miss it.

Along those same lines, being a SAHM is fun. I get to do several things I'd never dreamed of doing or enjoying for that matter, that I have come to thoroughly love, like decorating, photography and cooking. Finding ways to use my talents and develop new ones is one of the funnest parts of homemaking. 

You don't have to lose your identity or hobbies as a SAHM. I am also a personal trainer. I work 1-2 nights per week after the kids are in bed and I love it. I also make sure I get time to workout, have girl's outings, visit with friends, etc. Not only do you NOT have to lose your identity, if you don't continue to do things you love and things that challenge you, you will get depressed. Period. Learning this was one of the ways I dealt with the depression I mentioned earlier that I experienced while trying to adjust to life as a SAHM. 

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Last and most importantly, I have learned the need to rely upon the Lord in this holy calling. I cannot do it alone. You cannot do it alone. Our efforts will always fall short. I do all that I can and then I trust in the Lord to make up the difference. And He will. These precious children of mine first belonged to our loving Father in Heaven. He knows them better than Tim and I. He knows what they need. The more we as parents involve Heavenly Father in our decision making and parenting, the easier it is and the more successful we become. I am so grateful to a merciful and loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who showed us who we need to become in order to raise happy, successful children and help them and ourselves eventually attain our Heavenly Bliss in the life to come. 

If you liked this post, please share with your friends and family or someone you feel would benefit from reading it! Also, I would love to hear from you, what have you learned while embarking on your motherhood journey? 

My Boys' Bedroom

My boys' bedroom was the first room in our house to be painted and decorated. I saw the design for the painting in a Kids Pottery Barn catalog and had to replicate it. Five years later, I am still pleased with it. The only problem now is clearing out clutter and organizing, as storage is low in our house, their room has started to look over-stuffed. The bunk bed and bedding are from Ikea.

My Kitchen: Home Tour

You can't really tell from the pictures, but everyone that has been in our home comments on how large our kitchen is in comparison to the rest of our home. We have a small, 1970's split level home. And it's true, the kitchen is the largest part of the house. I love the natural wood, even if white kitchens are dreamy. I also can't complain about the size (even if the builders didn't think a master bath instead would have been a better use of space.) When I move into a different home with a normal sized kitchen, I am sure I will miss all the cabinet space.

I am wanting to spruce up the place a bit without painting the cabinets...like adding a nice white back splash and a nice graphic rug. I also think some bold window treatments would be a nice facelift. I still love the colors, so I'll probably go from there.

Harry Potter Birthday Party on a Budget

Last Saturday we had a Harry Potter themed Birthday party for my 9 year old son! It was so much fun. Two weeks prior, my MIL and I scoured the internet and Pinterest for the best ideas. Admittedly, almost the entire party was made on "borrowed inspiration" but that's what the internet is for, right? However, I had to come up with ways to make the party inexpensive because I was on a very tight budget. I spent the most on my son's Harry Potter robe and tie (more on cost breakdown later) which was a splurge I could justify because he can use it for Halloween next year....that is if he hasn't moved on from his Harry Potter obsession by then...

We started off with a Platform 9 3/4 entrance sign on our front door made from a single sheet of red butcher paper ($1.10):

We spray painted ($3) Sam's hair black with hair color (he's a blonde and it was very hard to get his hair dark, if I could do it over again, I would have added even more spray.) His glasses were bought at Zurcher's ($6) and his tie and robe were both found on Amazon (total $46.)

Once everyone arrived, we did our Sorting Hat Ceremony:

The hat was made from a black hat we had on hand. I used the brown paper packaging that the Harry Potter Robe was packaged with to make the sorter hat's face. I wrapped it around and used hot glue to tack it down.

After everyone was sorted into houses, we searched the house for golden goblets and the hidden snitch. The one who found the snitch got bonus goblets to spend at Honeydukes:

The golden goblets were just circles cut out of yellow cardstock. The snitch was made from a wooden ball from Michael's spray painted gold. Then I screwed in little screws with loops on the end and tied metallic silver ribbon to represent the wings. After the kids had collected all their money, it was time to spend it at the Honeydukes Sweet Shop.

 The jars were made from .99 cents jars I found at Michael's, clearance ribbon for a dollar, and craft paper also a dollar (.99 cents.) I used Harry Potter books and a table cloth I already had for the display table. I used yellow posters (.60 cents) and black paint for the signs. 

For the candy, I used twizzlers ($3) cut in half for the Slytherin snakes, a bag of skittles (from the pantry) for the Every Flavor Beans, Dum-dums for the Acid Pops ($3), gum from the pinata pack of candy for the Blowing Gum ($6.) I also purchased 8 cute mechanical pencils for (.45 cents each) them to add more variety.

 Once their goblets were almost spent, it was time to spend their last one on purchasing a wand from Ollivander's wand shop. They had the choice of pretzel wands ($2), which they could then dip in chocolate or twizzler wands (left-over ingredients.)

After the wands, the kids began their potions class. The kids mixed 1 tbs. baking soda into a cup of water, and then added 2 tbs. vinegar for their bubbly potion. The night before I dropped food coloring drops in the mason jars to add color to their creation. All potions class materials I had on hand.

They had so much fun doing the potions. After the potions we all went into the dining hall for witches brew and wizards brew (food storage score), Butterbeer (cream soda $1.50 and dry ice $3) and cake ($4 total.) I didn't do a fancy cake because I was short on resources (time and money) but the kids didn't seem to notice or care.

The total of the party (not including items I already had on hand, but including all food and craft supplies) was $51.89! That's not including the Harry Potter costume which you could probably make for a lot cheaper than I paid for it. (I have no sewing skills and was short on time with the party being right after Christmas and New Year's.)

At the end, one of the boys said "that was the best party ever!" To a 9 year old, I'm sure it was pretty close. There are a million other things that I wish I could have done (robes for everyone, a game of quidditch, however you spell it, more potions, more magic, etc...) but, I stayed within a reasonable budget and the kids all had fun. And that's what matters most.

January Classifieds Finds

From time to time I like to check the classified ads for deals on furniture. In Utah Ksl.com has the best online classifieds similar to Craigslist but has a better reputation. So here are the deals I found this week:

Wingback chair for only $35

Antique chest for $100

Gorgeous China hutch and buffet for $550

The Never-ending Project

 Here is it as of today with some new art, new lamp shades and my new coffee table.

 Here are the humble beginnings...over a year ago.

 Mid progress, still have the rug here (that is now in our den), but added the chairs and new accessories.

 New mantle mirror, LOVE...but still boring.

Many different accessories and tweaks, I even tried out a cowhide (much to my husband's horror.) For now I am stuck with the look pictured first until I can get an awesome rug to complete the room...as you can see, it's a never ending project!